My Place of Fear

I have had this blog for months now, and I have never actually written anything.  I chose a domain name, installed the blog, chose a theme, and then left it.  I have come by and looked at it, thought that I probably should write something, but told myself I had nothing of value to add.

But I need to be honest now.  I was really just afraid.

“Who reads this anyway?  Who’s going to see it?  What does is matter?”   All these things would ring through my head as I casually breezed by it in my daily computing.

…But I never could bring myself to write.

I have been TERRIFIED of being seen.  I learned long ago that the enemy chooses to stalk those that are serving the Lord with their whole hearts.  I knew that the enemy was watching and waiting for every mistake so that he could expose and humiliate me.  After all, that is what he does.  He is the accuser of the brethren, and I have been accused right along with the rest of the body.

But when you are experiencing the accusation, the spotlight makes it seem like you are absolutely alone in your ridicule.  I have cursed myself for my own stupidity.  Spoken oaths over myself that “I would never make that mistake again!”  I learned to “keep my head down”.  I decided to serve the Lord from a place outside of the view of others so that I would be safe.  No one needed to know about the things that were done in secret.  I knew every scripture that said you SHOULD do your righteous acts in secret, and I used them to justify my own fearful decisions.

But I wasn’t safe, or at peace.  I knew that I needed to be absolutely perfect to avoid those accusations.  And I couldn’t do it.  I was left with an overwhelming sense that “my best would never be enough”.  And I hated myself for it.  Life became one big hopeless mess inside my personal fortress of fear.  No one knew, but life was something that I just resigned myself to get through with the hope of doing as little damage to the rest of the world as possible.  But the Lord is faithful, and HE was not content to leave me behind the walls of fear.

My Dream

A few months ago, the Lord gave me a dream.  I was in our family van in the passenger seat with my husband driving and the kids in the back.   We had come up on a drunk driver check point.  I knew that no one in our car had been drinking, so I was completely at peace.  When we reached the police officer, he leaned in and looked at my husband, saw me, and then came around to my side of the van.  He shined the light in my eyes and asked me to step out of the vehicle.  He gave me a sobriety test and was quite angry that I was passing without difficulty.  He was looking for something to be wrong.  He wanted to convict me of something.

I was strikingly happy at this point in the dream.  I was innocently taking the test.  I knew that I had done nothing wrong.  I WASN’T EVEN DRIVING.  I was just the passenger.  What was he going to do?

So the officer returned to his superior who then came over to test me himself.  This “person” seemed to be the very essence of evil to me.  He had names written all over him, and he wanted to catch me in some sin.  He ordered me step behind the van which exposed me to the line of traffic behind us.  He gave me same test which I passed again without difficulty.  I was still oddly happy at this point in the dream.  I was totally at peace with the fact that I KNEW I was innocent.

Then this superior officer demanded to search our vehicle.  Of course we allowed him to do so because we had nothing to hide.  After searching the van, he looked at me and said, “Your check engine light is on”.  My heart sank because I knew that he was right.  It was on. I pulled a sheet of paper out of my pocket.  It was a punch card, and all of the available spaces had been punched out except one.  The officer smugly pulled out his hole punch and punched out the last space.

To my surprise, I was oddly relieved.  I felt free.  Now, I didn’t have to worry about that last space being punched any more.   I didn’t need to be perfect.  I needed grace.  I realized that I hadn’t really been trusting in the Lord’s grace until that last hole was punched.  Somehow I had made the Lord’s grace into my own likeness.  My heart saw grace as “another chance to get it right”.

But when the chances were all gone, when all the holes were punched out, I had no hope except grace.

I had failed miserably.  I had been found guilty.  My righteousness was not enough, and I needed grace.

I had GRACE!  It was enough!

9:29

But even after the dream, I still wanted to hide.  I still didn’t want to be seen.  The Holy Spirit was still in the process, and I was still a mess.  There were plenty of things for the enemy to rightly accuse me about, and I didn’t want to be humiliated again.

This morning, the Lord took me to Job 9:29:

Since I am already found guilty, why should I struggle in vain?

Why should I struggle in vain?  I have ALREADY been found guilty.  I was left speechless.

Why am I still hiding in fear?  Why am I so afraid that the world will know I am imperfect?  Why am I so afraid of the accusation that I am imperfect?  The enemy is right.  He accuses me correctly.  I am imperfect, and even in my best efforts, I will fail.

But what is the consequence for that failure?

All of my holes have been punched out, and the Lord still chooses me.  All of my “chances” have been used up, and it has NOT eliminated me from my calling or my destiny.  My heart is for the Lord.  His heart is for me.  As long as my heart is for the Lord, nothing can keep me from my destiny except my own fortress of fear.

Job 16:19:

Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high.

So, I will write…